Self Perception

Have you ever looked at yourself in a picture and not recognized yourself? Happens to me all the time. I never see myself for who I actually am. When I'm out shopping I'll pick up a pair of pants and think "there's no way my butt is this big, I'll try on these pants and they'll swim on me" and sure enough when I get into the change room I can't get them past my thighs. (In my mind, when I picture myself I'm like a size 6 and I can wear anything, seriously. I never see something and think, I'm too big to pull off that look, until I try it on and realize, "oh yes you are!").Or the complete opposite happens, I refuse to have my picture taken cause I think I'm gigantic and don't want the photographic proof but if someone sneaks a pic I usually think "hey, I don't look that bad". Yesterday I was out shopping with Lily in Kitchener and I walked by a store and saw this really cute empire waist tunic style spring top. It's red with cute little white flowers all over it and I fell in love with it. I scoured the rack for a large but all they had were XS, XL and Medium. I was going to walk away and then a little voice said "Try it on!" so I grabbed the medium and headed to the change room. It slipped on without any kind of struggle and I was so happy. I think the style easily lends itself to being slightly bigger than any other medium shirt but I'll admit I'm hung up on the tag and so I marched right over to the counter and handed my Visa over. When I got home I couldn't wait to put it on and take a picture to post for everyone to see. So I put it on with a pair of jeans and some sandals, pulled my hair back and set the camera to take my picture. I took about 5 or 6 in different poses and came upstairs and plugged my camera in and downloaded the pictures. I was so disappointed with how I looked. The shirt made me look pregnant. I don't know if it's the style or just how I wear it, but I looked about 5 months pregnant in all the pictures. I almost cried. I went from loving this shirt and feeling proud of myself to feeling sad and disappointed and I hate to use the F word, but fat. The way I saw myself in the mirror and the way I saw myself in the pictures were so radically different. I know I'm losing weight cause the scale says I am, and I occasionally get little NSVs like a smaller size clothing fits or I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and the angle I'm standing at I seem smaller, but most of the time I don't see or feel any difference between how I look now and how I did 3 months ago. I'm wondering how long it will take before what I see and what is will be the same thing. I wonder if it'll ever be the same. Will I always be bigger than how I envision myself in my mind? Will I ever be smaller than I see myself in the mirror and in pictures? Will my mind and my body always be at odds with eachother? I hope the answer is "no" to all those questions, but I just don't know.